Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Bedtime Memory... (8/3/02)

He was crying while the movie began. It was I Am Sam. I had placed so much importance on watching it's start. I yelled, "go back to bed Caleb!" I heard him wimper softly, longingly, "Daddy... Momma...." and then, silence.

I realized he was much more important. I climbed the stairs and stepped over the gate. He was sitting up. Looking, waiting, hoping for me. Memories of my own childhood fearful nights crashed down on me. I remembered tearfully waiting for mom or dad--just hoping they would come save me from the shadows...somehow interpreting my silent screams.

He reached out for me. As I raised him to my left shoulder, he began to pat my back. The universe came into focus and my heart found its place. I felt the weight and warmth of his body every bit as real as the comfort of the moment.

I closed my eyes and tasted the full pallete of emotion...the incredible flood of feelings that were colored by every emotion I had every felt. I told him, "I wish I could spend every day with you. Days of fun like we had today. Go night-night honey and when you wake-up we'll have another fun day together tomorrow. He said, "ok" and continued patting my back.

My feelings were so strong they blinded me. My impulse was to hold him closer and say, "I love you Caleb" followed by a quick kiss to his cheek. The realization that he listened to my words...that he understood my words... we shared some communication at a deep level. 

I felt total. Completely unknown levels of satisfaction and happiness. He wanted to have fun with me tomorrow. He caused me to be Daddy.

I layed down with him and he rolled into his sleeping position with knees bent and tucked under his belly. I covered his feet with his blanket and patted his back. He closed his eyes.

I whispered thanks to God that I had this experience. That I didn't let harsh words and tears end the night.

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