GUATEMALA 2013: (17) One-Way Passage Home

We knew we could never

return to the place where

faith protected but never reached

My feet stumbled down that road

like my actions had stumbled 

over my belief

So, dear family and friends

I understand your tears,

Lord knows I have added my own

But understand this...

 I have come to know

that wherever I walk in His will

That place is my home

Tears of Hope

January 2, 2013 ~ Happy 2nd Birthday

It may have been raining on that day,

the day she lay you down.

The hedge cradled your silent cries

as the warmth of her final embrace died.

The sky could only open up and weep

as tiny lungs gasped and you fell alone.

Six years of waiting had long since darkened

our dreams for a daughter.

Even so

The sun may have shone that day,

the day He held you safe.

I imagine the soft beat of sheltering wings 

expanding air through insufficient lungs.

The higher ways of God held us all that day...

that day that hope gave way to abandon.

The life of an infant and the faith of the broken,

 together nourished with the warm tears of the Father.

Oh yes, it was raining on that day.

A tea party

And Now I Ride The Dragon

The world was so big.
And I was so small.
Waiting for my father to come home
and rescue me from the day.

The sky was endless
And my dog held eternity in his eyes.
Even at that young age
I sought answers of what I was to become.

My eyes were lost in the clouds
And I tried to see beyond them
Knowing that my steps needed to stand
on the tops of their vapor facade.

The world that held my body
was not the plane that birthed my soul.
My young heart longed to battle dragons
and risk all that it was to find answers.

Have you heard the hollow claws of destiny
as they slice past your head in the dark?

I fall asleep as my mind slips among the answers.

Surface Tension of the Heart

Walking on water is not so much an act of faith as it is an act of abandon. To abandon the status quo, abandon logic, abandon your own memory. In fact, it requires full abandon of self. After everything that you know has failed you, you will cling hardest to what you realize is your last hope.

Journal Entry: May 1, 2001

Desperation of a drowning man, clinging to a life raft. Not considering the obstacles... gripping with a force that tears out fingernails. Reckless abandon. Admitting our weakness and forgetting our pride, we now see only one thing.


The water disappears in His gaze.

The Darkness of a Soul

The sky rolls heavy tonight
My mind is pulsed by pull of the moon.
I am choked by the rain as it presses down on the clouds.

Time as I wait forces dead air against my mouth
My soul is heavy tonight.

Eternity watches closely and mocks.
My sanity knows the pursuit of the darkness.
I taste the fear as it grits in my teeth.

Wings beat foul and un-ending against my brow.
Death watches closely tonight.

Hope seems a cruel dream, as empty as fear.
My heart cries as its' flame burns cold.
I hear my voice die in the void.

My existance bleeds down my face.
Life seems a cruel crimson dream.

Reflections dance like ghosts
My promise runs from preachers and saints.
I know they're disappointed as I hide in shame.

I suffocate as I fall into the abyss.
Demons dance in the storm tonight.

My eyes are closed as the darkness snuffs out the light.

-Midnight: April 15, 2006

I sort out my thoughts with writing...a pen in my hand and a tablet in the darkness.  The words I write in these postings are taken from those journals. Typically I am shocked when I read them, they are consciousness escaping my mind as it reconciles reality in the night. I write furiously, and then it is forgotten. 

Most of my writing is positive and reflective of a spirit that can not accept fear... but at times, as you read above, I have yielded to dark thoughts and been enveloped by my weakness.   

We are none of us as strong, nor as weak as we think we are.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. 

John 1:5, KJV 

An Angry God

I rest in the hands of an Angry God.

I fear Him and He is my refuge.

He may crush me and yet He is

my certain salvation.

He blesses my destruction and yet

by Him I will be healed.

He is with me in my struggles

and he fuels my debate.

He reassures me with turmoil...

for by this fight, I know I have not yet lost.

Sweet is this battle and joyful is this journey.

I cherish this blood, sweat, and tear filled life.

I breath his countenance deep into my temporal lungs

and I taste his eternity,

and I long for that which I fear.

I am cradled by the hands of an Angry God.

And I find peace.

And I feel His Anger.

And I realize His love for me...

and weep.

-October the  Fifth, 2003

Effects of Moonlight

The sky is clear tonight.

So much unknown hides in this blanket of pitch and glass.

Held to the surface of the earth, my breath is

surpressed by the wonder of the expanse.

The air of the ancients inflates my lungs.

I howl like a lunatic under the evanescence!

Curtained windows part as I spin in the driveway.

December 3rd, 2001 

A Warm December

Journal Entry: December 5, 2001

(A beautiful, unseasonably warm day)

It must have reached seventy degrees today.

My soul must have held the reflection of the sun.

The wheels rolled on the little red wagon

And the Radio Flyer carried my dreams.

A boy and his dog in the comfort of a fathers pull.

Memories tugged from summers and canines past.

The laughter of my son secrets to me that

life has meaning and I have purpose.

To love and to live.

And to be aware of the warmth in december.